Photographer Unknown
It happened today. The day I have been dreading with every ounce of my soul. I have lost sleep over it, cried over it, prayed over it, and longed with all my heart that the day would never come. But come it did. This morning, I picked up my four-year-old little girl from her play group and I was startled by her silence. Startled because this particular little girl is usually an effervescent bundle of kinetic energy. An unsinkable soul who tackles life head-on with a bounce and a giggle. Her silence today was unprecedented and it persisted after buckling her into her car-seat. She was so quiet, that as we drove home, I adjusted the rear-view mirror to catch a glimpse of her face in the back seat. There were tears on her cheeks and her head had drooped to her chest.
I found tears springing into my own eyes as I asked, “Oh sweetie! What’s the matter?”
She looked up with a fresh tear jagging a path towards a quivering little chin, “Why is my smile differn’t from all ‘da nov-ver kids, Mommy?”
I suddenly couldn’t see where I was going. My eyelids pooled with hot, stinging tears and my heart felt as though it would burst with the sudden crushing pain that came crashing down. I pulled the car into a grocery store parking lot and turned around to look at her. My beautiful little girl. And I wondered, how in the world was I going to answer her?
You see, my little girl is quite special. A miracle many times over. She was born with a rare birth defect called a lymphatic malformation (LM). A large mass on the right side of her face and neck that collapsed her windpipe when she was just two weeks old. Together she and I have held each other’s hands through it all. Weeks on a ventilator, a tracheostomy, a feeding tube. Surgery after surgery after surgery. Twenty three so far, and she’s only four. Four years old and the most courageous little soul I have ever known.
When she turned three, we traveled across the country to New York together for a highly specialized surgery to remove her LM. The LM was successfully removed but one of her facial nerves had to be grafted in the process, causing one side of her smile to be a little weaker than the other. Her angelic little face is fairly symmetrical now, but her smile is not, and probably never will be. I knew the day would come when she would ask me about it. I just hadn’t expected that it would be today.
She sat there watching me, absorbing the emotions that played across my face despite my best efforts to hide them. I struggled to form an answer and lost myself somewhere within her great, pleading brown eyes. Eyes that locked with mine as she asked me once more, “Mommy, what’s ‘da matter wif my smile? Why is it different from all ‘da nov-ver kids’ smiles, Mommy?
I panicked and stared at the floor. In the complete absence of any words and I prayed. I begged God to give me something to say and wondered for the millionth time why it was that out of all the people in the world, that God had thought I was the right person for this amazing little girl to call “Mommy”. I looked up again at her tear-stained cheeks and suddenly, the words came:
“Your smile is different, Sweetie, because you are an extra special little girl who needed an extra special smile.”
Her bottom lip quivered. “My smile’s not special. It’s jes’ differn’t. Why Mommy?”
I got out of the car and unbuckled her from her car seat. I hugged her close as we sat down on the running-board and said, “Oh, but it is special! When you were a baby, your smile was so very, very bright and so very, very sunny, and so very, very special, that God decided that he wanted to keep some of your smile with him always - to light up heaven.”
She looked up in awe. “God wanted ta keep some of my smile wif him in hebben?”
“Yes, He did! Right now that little piece of your smile is lighting up heaven. God is holding it in his hands and your beautiful little smile makes God and all the angels so happy! He knows what a kind and wonderful little girl you are, so He knew that you would share your smile with Him.”
Her beautiful, crooked little smile spread across her face and lit up her eyes. “My smile is making God and all da angels happy right now?”
I turned my face and brushed away tears as I said, “Oh, I’m sure of it! God is so happy and so proud of you for being willing and brave enough to share your smile with him!
“Oh Mommy! Dat makes me sooooo happy! I will share my smile wif God ’cause he is sharin’ ‘da whole wide wurld wif me! Do you like my smile Mommy? Even though some of it is missin’?”
I hugged her close and tried not to cry. “Yes, Sweetheart. I love your smile and think it is the most beautiful smile in the whole world!”
She leaned her head back, broadening her grin. “Den I must always smile wif ‘da rest of my smile I have left - to light up ‘da wurld dat God made for me!”
I held her tight as my heart ached with the beauty of her priceless thoughts. I blinked back tears as I wrestled with the longing to remove every heartache from her precious little life and the knowledge that those very heartaches were key elements in God’s blueprints for crafting an extraordinary soul of rare worth. In that moment, I would have sacrificed any and all of myself or my possessions to spare her even an ounce of heartache, while at the same time, I wouldn’t have stood in the way of God’s will for her life for anything. This, I thought to myself, is the essence of motherhood. It is that moment of looking into the eyes of your child and knowing that there is nothing you would not give, so that they might have. A lifetime of hopes and dreams for the life of a treasured child laid at God’s feet.
This child of mine has taught me so very many things. Through her, I have learned the value of living in the moment, to never take a single heartbeat for granted, to look for the beauty in the world instead of focusing on the moments of heartache. Every day that I know her, brings with it a new lesson of courage - a new discovery of what it truly means to be a mother. And I am still learning.
I kissed her rosy cheeks, brushing away the last tiny tear as she lit up my soul with the sunshine of her miracle smile. Once again today, I placed my precious little girl and all my priceless hopes and dreams for her life in God’s capable hands. Once again I pledged to do all in my power to help her fulfill God’s will for her life and pleaded for the wisdom to be the kind of parent that I ought to be. And I know it won’t be the last. After all, motherhood, like childhood, is a journey.
parenting children motherhood kids Christian lymphatic malformation LM OK-432 picibanil surgery cyclic vomiting syndrome Dr. Waner group writing project writing contest sclerotherapy smile nerve damage trach tracheostomy G-tube feeding tube tube feeding nissen nissen fundoplication prayer faith heaven SAHM
That’s just beautiful! I’m in tears right now. What a sweet little girl you have!
September 6th, 2007 at 9:09 pm
Well gosh, you ought to get points for designing your own graphic for the contest!
September 6th, 2007 at 9:10 pm
As I type this I wipe away my tears, –WOW!
you get extra mommy points for stopping the car and making,
your dearest daughter know,
with out a doubt that she is Special,because of God !
You are the very best mommy for her, Praise the Lord!
September 7th, 2007 at 1:03 am
Oh this is so beautiful, I had to read it over and over again. What a sweet, brave, beautiful little girl you have!
September 7th, 2007 at 1:09 am
WOW! I cried reading that story. Hugs to you both! She is absolutely the most beautiful little angel ever on this earth!!!!
September 7th, 2007 at 1:12 am
Add my tears in, too! I am blown away with the wise and precious answer God gave you for your little angel! You are awesome for taking time to pray and hear His words. She has such a tender heart toward God to respond in such a way!
September 7th, 2007 at 1:28 am
God has blessed you beyond measure…the gift of words, the gift of love and most abundantly with the gift of your daughter. And she in returned is blessed with the same gift of words, love and with you as a mommy.
I have tears from a heart that’s been blessed by the precious moments you’ve just shared.
September 7th, 2007 at 2:09 am
Dear Michelle,
You made my tears well up so badly in the office reading this I just had to get out of the office with the excuse of going to Starbucks for a cup of coffee (even though I already have one on my desk!).
It’s the loveliest account I’ve read today.
God bless you for sharing and touching the hearts of so many!
September 7th, 2007 at 2:28 am
What an amazing little girl you have! Thank you so much for sharing this story and for participating in the Group Writing Project!
September 7th, 2007 at 3:45 am
That’s one lucky bubba you got there! Congratulations!
September 7th, 2007 at 3:51 am
Now I had time this evening to come back and read your post I was so touched by it, thanks for entering this and sharing it. She sounds like a very brave little girl.
September 7th, 2007 at 5:06 am
Add my tears in, too, on reading this post. You moved my heart on this one. Your family is so blessed beyond measure.
Hugs!
~Michelle
beartwinsmom.wordpress.com
September 7th, 2007 at 5:24 am
Holy cow……That just melted my heart, and I want to reach through the computer and hug you and your sweet girl.
much love to you both!
September 7th, 2007 at 5:59 am
Lynnae - Thanks for the warm thoughts - She really is one special kiddo!
Stacey - Mommy points! Do they give out Mommy points?? : ) Thanks for the sweet compliment - Most of the time I just feel clueless though!
Deb - Oh, wow! That’s really touching that you read it more than once - you made my day!
Amber - I’m so glad you liked my post (sorry that I’m making everyone cry though!) And yes, she can be an angel - sometimes : )
SingforHim - You have it exactly right - I know those words were from God. It always amazes me what can happen when we remember to stop and pray. Your sweet words really blessed my heart!
Melody - I thank you. Your words always go straight to my soul… and are yet another gift I have been blessed with.
Oh, Sicarii… Now you’ve got ME crying! Thank you for your heartfelt words… I think I’m going to have to take a little break from these comments and go find the tissues now…
September 7th, 2007 at 4:48 pm
I’m sitting here in speechless, teary happiness for that wonderful bit of love that you share your life with. You are so blessed.
September 7th, 2007 at 4:49 pm
OK - I’m back (after rectifying a toddler tissue-shredding fest in the family room…)
Jordan - It is you who should be thanked : ) You helped provide me with a therapeutic outlet for a tough day. And thank you so much for all of your work in puting together the Group Writing Project and for all your kind encouragement to ‘newbie bloggers’ like me!
Nora Bee - Thank you so much for your kind words about my little girl : )
Scribbit - I feel I actually owe thanks to you : ) Thank you for your work on organizing the Write Away Contest and working to choose inspiring topics. And a million thanks for your kindness in taking the time to field so many newbie questions from my direction - I’m indebted!
MG - Thank you so much for visiting my blog and taking the time to comment : ) So glad you enjoyed my post - come back soon!
Corey - Thanks! Cyberhugs are the best : ) Your kindness is of the heart-melting variety too!
Ursula - Thank you for your very sweet comment! I’m so glad you stopped by and hope you come back often : )
September 7th, 2007 at 5:25 pm
Just stopping by to say you will never lose me!! I am a lifetime follower. Tee hee hee. I love your blog and read it everyday! Big Hugs!!!!!
September 7th, 2007 at 8:29 pm
This was so heart breaking yet beautiful.
September 8th, 2007 at 12:03 am
What a beautiful story!
September 8th, 2007 at 12:38 am
You simply amaze me. I can’t think of anything more perfect to have told your little girl! It would even make a nice children’s story “the girl who’s smile lit heaven”. Your beautiful daughter has an amazingly beautiful soul. You are so blessed to have each other.
September 8th, 2007 at 1:10 am
And, more tears from me! I am absolutely blown away.
September 8th, 2007 at 2:36 am
Hello, I received your loving comment today and was compelled to search you out. I found your site through the contest. I am so glad to have followed your tracks and find your place here. I have been moved into humbled joy over the passion God has for you and your child. I too know the need to flee to him having two special needs kids. I wish I would of stopped more often to just pray at those moments those hard times of “Why me Mom”. You inspire and remind me to do so. How fitting how perfectly precious were his words for her through you. I am going to post the link to your site on my blog role and look forward to getting to know your heart more.
Fondly Donetta
September 8th, 2007 at 3:56 am
A lovely, moving, heart-breaking, heart-making piece. You write very well……..
September 8th, 2007 at 5:31 am
Oh and I just saw you put me on your worth reading list……I am honored and off to return the favour. Worth-reading you certainly are! J
September 8th, 2007 at 5:32 am
YOU made me cry
Not many blogs do that but I have to say what a fantastic way to describe her smile, have you told her teachers yet what you say so they know how to handle any questions she may ask them?
September 8th, 2007 at 11:02 am
Amber - You are just too sweet! I truly love your blog as well!
Summer - Thank you for your lovely comment. I’m finding that to be true of many things in Motherhood - An incredible mingling of heartache and beauty.
Bellevelma - Thank you - so glad you liked my post!
Kim - That was a truly lovely compliment, and you’re right - I feel incredibly blessed that we have each other. She truly is an amazing little person to know! And the only reason that this particular conversation turned out so well is that I didn’t write the dialogue. God is so much better with words that I will ever be!
Mama Zen - Thank you for your kind words!
Donetta - What a lovely multitude of compliments! Thank you so much for extraordinary kindness and for the link to your blog - I will happily reciprocate!
Jo - Your beautiful compliment put a smile on the start of my day : ) I have fallen hard for your blog and am looking forward to going back for a good long read!
Mamaspud - Now you have ME crying! You are too kind and your sweet comment really blessed my heart. We are planning on homeschooling Jacqui, but she has several playgroups and activities she is involved with throughout the week. Each of the leaders and instructors she has are amazing and do a wonderful job of working with us to make sure she is treated with equality. They also do a fantastic job of answering all of her un-ending, sometimes precious, sometimes startling stream of questions : )
September 8th, 2007 at 12:48 pm
Just have to add my tears to the group.
So so beautiful.
September 8th, 2007 at 4:44 pm
Such a great story, and so well told. You both are very lucky girls–daughters of the king. And I’m so impressed that you were able to craft a post that fit both contests. I’ll definitely be back to look around more. Best, -e.
September 8th, 2007 at 6:39 pm
I cried when I just read this blog. I may share it when I blog I hope that’s ok. My only hope is that when I get a question like that about ME’s differences one day that I can be like you and know exactly the perfect words to say. You are a wonderful, inspirational mother.
September 9th, 2007 at 1:24 am
What a very wonderful way of explaining that to your beautiful little girl. God gave you the perfect words to say.
September 9th, 2007 at 10:34 am
It is beautiful and touching..you had me in tears. Your little girl is very special indeed.
September 9th, 2007 at 3:21 pm
This is a beautiful, moving post!
So glad to meet you.
September 10th, 2007 at 12:05 am
I’m crying.
How truly inspired you were and how amazing is your daughter! And how smart of you to write this down so you and your daughter and her children will always have it.
September 10th, 2007 at 2:02 am
Michelle, Oh my! What beautiful words our Lord gave to you for your precious little one. Needless to say, you brought me to tears as well. I only hope I am half the mom to my children, that I know you are to yours.
I recall having to answer a difficult question that my daughter asked about her father (not my present husband) and why she had never met him, and likely wouldn’t. She wanted so badly to know why she “wasn’t good enough.” I sorely wish I had been a believer back then, to let her know then that she was most definitely “good enough.” I have striven to show her that now, and pray often to show that to each one of my children. Blessings to you, sister.
September 10th, 2007 at 2:35 am
Loved your story! This was wonderful. As I was reading along, I couldn’t help but think, “wow, this would make a great entry for MommaBlogga’s writing project on ‘what is motherhood.’ I’m so glad my instincts were right.
Thanks for sharing your heart. You hvae a very precious family.
Duckabush Blog
September 11th, 2007 at 3:10 am
Jenn - You are too sweet and your kind tears bless my heart.
Elaine - So glad you stopped by! Thanks for the kind words, and yes! Please do come back - often : )
Jessica - I am honored that you linked my post to your blog and overwhelmed by your compliments! I know that when the time comes, God will be faithful to give you the words to share with your precious little girl. Your family has been such an amazing inspiration to us!
Casey - Yes, God has been so very faithful in providing my husband and I with the wisdom we need each step of the way. Thank you for your kind words.
Jocelyn - So glad to see you here again, your thoughtful comment put a lift in my day!
September 12th, 2007 at 3:29 am
Shawn - Welcome! I’m so glad you stopped by and hope you come back often : )
Anna Maria - Thank you for your heartfelt words! Like you said, I hope with all my heart that what I have written will mean something special to my daughter one day.
Shalene - You always light up my day with your kindness! You are a wonderful mom in your own right and I often find myself inspired by your wisdom : ) Thanks for always puting a smile in my day!
Kathy - Thank you for your wonderful compliments! I love following along with your family’s adventures and the admiration I hold for you as a parent makes your words doubly precious.
September 12th, 2007 at 3:36 am
Michelle, and Jacqui, where can I even find the words? I am always blown away by both of you and so amazed at both of you. I read, share, see and wonder… God these are my kids, right??? (And thus Grandma is crying AGAIN….. wow, I truly feel so blessed. Love, Mom
p.s. I hope you are feeling better !!!)
September 13th, 2007 at 1:49 am
Awwwww… Thanks Mom *sniff*!
Finally feeling a little better today - Ken made me go to the doctor : P
September 13th, 2007 at 6:54 am
You and your little one are special and priceless. Being different is never easy. My child (blind, autistic) has shown me that “normal” is overrated.
September 23rd, 2007 at 1:22 am
I just read this post. It made me cry. And that’s a good thing. Thank you for sharing.
June 13th, 2008 at 2:01 am