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Jacqui: Mom, I needta tell you somefing… Da kitchens and bafrooms are da germiest places in da house. You need da cleenin’ power, Mom.

Me: I do?

Jacqui: Yes, to get rid of da germies.

Me: It gets rid of germs?

Jacqui: Oh, yes! An’ da scoap scrum an nascee snackterias in da baff tub too.

Me: Soap scum and nasty bacteria? Well we certainly don’t want any of those.

Jacqui: Well… I hate ta tell you dis, but I fink I found some ub dem in da bafroom.

Me: You did?

Jacqui: *Sigh* Yes! Dat’s why I was tellin’ you dat you need da cleanin’ power stuff.

Me: Oh, I see. What is the cleaning power stuff?

Jacqui: Oh, I dunno. Some lady on TV poured some yellow stuff in a big green bucket wen Daddy was watchin’ TV. It’s posed to be da cleanin’ power dat chases all dat yucky germie stuff away. It looked yuckier dan da scroap scrummies and snackterias, if ya ask me.

Cleaning tips from a five-year-old… fabulous. Excuse me while I locate the disinfectant…

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Look! Dair’s Bagheera! He’s a kinda wild kitty, huh?

Look! Look at dat basket! Know what’s innit? A baby! Idn’t dat silly?

Lissen what dat baby says… why’s he say “Ahhhhh?” Does he fink Bagheera’s a dentist?

What kinda kitty is Bagheera?

Is dat da kinda kitty dat sleeps all day and wakes up all night?

Dat means he’s nocky-turdle, huh? (nocturnal)

Why’d he bump dat baby basket and make da baby cry? He’s not posed to do dat, huh?

Dat’s da mommy wolf, huh?

Look! Look at doze little baby wolfs waggin’ dair tails? Aren’t dey so very precious?

Look! Look, Mom! Da wolfs are all growed up wif Mowgli now!

Dat sure was fast, huh?

Dey’re sclurpin’ Mowgli wif slobbery kisses! Idn’t dat silly?

Boy, dey’re reely not shy, aren’t dey?

Dis is too loud now. TOO LOUD!! Let’s turn it down! Dat’s bedder.

Wat’s a ‘man billage’ (village)

Do only mans lib dair, or do girls lib dair too?

Why is Mowgli wearin’ a orange diaper? He’s not a baby!

Wow, dey’re reely high up in dat tree, aren’t dey?

Look! Dair’s Kaa! He’s a slipperdy snake. Look at his loopidy eyes!

Look at my eyes… are dey loopidy too wen I do dis?

Kaa is noddy, right?

Why’s he squishin’ Mowgli?

Look! Look wat he’s doin’ wif his eyes!

Ha, ha, ha, ha! Look wat he’s goin’ ta do… Keep your eye on ‘im! Ha, ha, ha, ha! Wadn’t dat funny wif da knot in his tail? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Why you not laughin’?

Jungle’s are dangerous, huh?

A jungle ‘venture is fraught wif danger! Dat’s wat Rabbit says on da Heffalump Movie.

Wat’s fraught mean?

Now. Ask me again why it is that we never go to the movies?

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We’re starting to see the clouds parting on this last CVS episode… little glimmers of Jacqui peeking through the fog now and then.

During one of her brief ‘awake times’ today, she mentioned that she might be interested in eating tomorrow…

“Mommy… I fink maybe I will like to eat a snack tomorrow.”

I peered down at the sleepy head in my lap and smiled. “Well, that would be great! What do you think you would like to have for a snack?”

She arched an eyebrow and gave me a fleeting glimpse of a sleepy dimple. “Hmmmm… how ‘bowwwwwwt… SUSHI!!”

“Sushi??” I was completely thunderstruck. The word ’sushi’ is never uttered at our house. We’re not sushi people. We’re not any kind of seafood people. Not even fish-stick people. Maybe a-tuna-sandwich-now-and-then people, but definitely not sushi people.

She flashed a toothy grin up at me and repeated, “SUSHI!”

“Do you even know what sushi is?”

A comical attempt at a serious scowl crinkled her brow as she answered, “Course I do. Itsa kinda not-cooked fishy. Probly reely slimy. Don’t worry, it won’t make me gag too much. Yummy!” She made a loud slurping noise for emphasis.

I just looked at her in stunned and bewildered silence.

“You’re ‘posed to squish your eyebrows all up like you’re mad and say, ‘Ha, ha. Very funny’ “.

I was completely lost. “What??”

She sighed in dramatic frustration. “I was bein’ sour-catty, Mom.”

I rubbed my temples trying to locate a fragment of the conversation that I could make sense out of. “You’re what?”

“Mooooom! Sour-catty… you know… it’s like a not-funny joke. Wen sumbuddy is bein’ sour-catty, you’re all-ays ‘posed to say, ‘Ha, ha. Very funny.’ Like dat. But only don’t laugh. Now you say it.’

“Sarcastic? You’re being sarcastic?? For crying out loud — you’re five…”

“Mom. Pay da tenshun. Say, ‘Ha, ha. Very funny.’ ”

“Ha, ha. Very funny.”

“Dat’s better. Sometimes you take a very long time to figger thins out, doncha?”

… Ha, ha. Very funny.

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*No eating marshmallows with your toes. It’s not a very good idea.

*Watch out for bumbly bees. Dey’ll stink ya - Peeeeewwww!!

*You havta wash your hands after you go potty. It’s da Ten Ammandments!

*Kermit crabs have very ‘crusty-shins’!

*(After reminding her to ask to be excused from the table…) Okay (sigh…). May I be a goose please? Honk, Honk!

*(When I was pregnant…) Mommy have a baby inner tummy. Mommy eat a baby.

*(To another pregnant lady…) You eat a baby too?

*What’s at da China Forest? (referring to a local amusement park called The Enchanted Forest) I dunno… China people, maybe?

*(In response to a baby crying at the doctor’s office…) Sumbuddy give dat baby a sammich!

*(At a rest stop…) Look Mommy! I making snow angels on da floor!

*(At rest stop number two…) Look Mommy! Magic Toelets!! Dey already have potty in ‘em! (I replied that they were not most emphatically NOT magic toilets. She in turn asked, “Who do dat den?” I responded, “Moral degenerates, sweetie.” )

*(At rest stop number three…) Wow! Mommy - Look! More gen rats do dat too?

*(To one of her physicians…) You’re funny, doctor. Not funny ‘ha, ha’. Funny weird.

*(To another one of her physician’s who asked her if they weren’t friends…) You need to go be someone else’s friend right now. Mommy, he’s a nice doctor, but he’s a very ouchy kind of friend, isn’t he?

*(To another physician who told her to ‘wait right there’…) No. I havta be someplace else right now! (When asked where?…) I dunno. Anyplace else!

* It’s not very easy to eat peanut butter with a straw!

* No eat boogers Mommy, dey taste yucky. (I replied, “EEEWwww! Don’t even say that.” To which she responded, “Ok. I sing it den. Booooogers taste yuuuky!!…. Booogers taste yuuuky!!….)

*Awwwwww! My balloon needs a rest. It’s to tired ta fly!

*(After explaining where baby cows get their milk from…) Why don’t dey just get it outta da frigidator?

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