So are you all ready for another one of these things? Not sure I am, but since you all seem to keep reading them, I guess I’ll keep writing them.
So what did we do this year? Well, for once we thought we would try something totally out of our scope of experiences. A little thing called “normal”. I know, I know, crazy, huh? The word even sounds kinda weird… “Norrr-maaallll… No-rah-mell… Noar-mulllll…“
Nope. Just can’t seem to get used to it.…It’s not just me is it? Please tell me it sounds just a little odd to you too… No? Can’t you even try to humor me a little? What? That’s my job, you say? You’re expecting this to be funny??
Well, huh. What to tell you? Hmmm… how do you folks write these things anyway? I don’t think I’ve ever written a normal Christmas letter in my life. I think I give up. Yep I give up. This is way too boring. How about we turn this thing around and give you a few bizarre highlights for the year… You know, for old time’s sake? Whew… Glad you agree! Bizarre I can do just fine!
Da-tada-da!!!! Presenting…Bizarre Highlights From Our Family In The Year 2007…
- For the first time ever, Jacqui was able to take swimming lessons. She found them particularly vexing because she was under the impression that she was really a mermaid and that once she had the opportunity to go completely underwater, her mermaid tail would then magically appear. We had one grumpy little guppy on our hands when no hint of a fin appeared during lesson number one.
- Kyle went directly from walking to climbing. And not just your basic every-day run-of the-mill climbing. We’re talking outrageous-adrenaline-junkie construct-rickety-ladders-out-of-anything-under-ten-pounds climbing. Give him two seconds and he’s sitting in the middle of the dinning room table, tap dancing on a kitchen counter, or poised on a window sill like a pint-sized base jumper.
- I thought that in the spirit of all things normal, I would try my hand at something new. Weeding. Result? Really, really ticked off hive of yellow jackets. Really, really stung would-be-gardener. Approximately three less weeds in our front yard. All said and done I ended up with somewhere north of TWENTY stings. I refused to go to the ER. Simply on principal. It was July and no one had been to the ER and I wasn’t about to be the one to open that can of worms. Not in a family capable of logging ten separate admissions in a twelve month period! Jacqui gave me some very useful advice on the subject…”You really shouldn’t oughta try n’ pet bumbly bees mom. It makes ‘em kinda grumpy.” Thanks. Duly noted.
- Ken is more competitive than he lets on. Apparently, he was feeling a bit upstaged by my little bumbly bee debacle. He decided to one-up me by getting up-close and personal with an insanely ginormous spider. The fiendish thing chomped Ken’s thumb. His thumb promptly swelled up with a menacing looking blister. I promptly suggested the ER. You know… ‘Cause it was a spider bite. Never mind that my hand swelled up like a catchers mitt when I was stung by yellow-jackets. Spider bites are serious ya’ll!! Get to yourself to the ER!! Who knows what that thing was? Could have been a Brown Recluse! Ken promptly spent the next thirty minutes photographically documenting the hugeness of the squished spider complete with calipers for a sense of scale. With over seventy photos. Yes I said SEVENTY. I was convinced the venom had gone directly to his brain. He finally went to the ER when I would not shut up. He came home several hours later with an exasperated expression and a $100 band-aid.
- The kids got a kitty for Christmas last year. Kittens grow into cats really fast. Did you know this? Bet I know something about cats that you don’t… It is possible to shove a full grown cat into a plastic Fisher-Price Little People dollhouse. Yes it is! I have the photo to prove it. Said cats are not particularly grateful when they are rescued, however.
- Jacqui thinks I’ve had a bit of a psychotic break. I attempted teaching her about manners this year and mentioned Emily Post. Jacqui asked where she was. I didn’t really care to have a lengthy discussion at the time and answered that she used to be a real person a long time ago. Jacqui’s conclusion: “If she ‘used to be real’, she must now be pretend… If she is pretend, then Mommy must have an imaginary friend. Best smile and humor the big people lest they completely lose it.” Jacqui now takes great pains not to offend my fastidious imaginary friend and her pretentious manners. Whatever works.
- Kyle is in love with our vacuum cleaner. We waited in vain for his first baby kisses. While he laughingly pushes us away from our pleas for just one little peck, he lavishly bestows them on our Hoover upright. Kyle has also shown his commitment to our family’s rich ER tradition. He logged his second visit this year with a face plant off the couch, punching his teeth through his bottom lip, which required three stitches. Way to take one for the team, Buddy!
- Neither of our children would starve if I kicked the bucket. Apparently they are quite capable of fending for themselves by scavenging entire packets of bologna from the fridge and cheerios from under the couch cushions. I decline to comment on how I know this.
- Kyle was exceptionally uncooperative for our Christmas photo shoot. We got one photo of him by himself. That’s it. The rest of the time he was screaming and running around. For our family picture and the one with Ken and Kyle, the only way we could get him to do anything but scream at the top of his lungs was for Ken to hop up and down with him. So in our family photo, the photographer had to time the picture with Ken’s landing. Several didn’t turn out because Jacqui kept asking why Daddy was hopping up and down. We’re very glad that it’s a whole year before we have to do that again!
Well, I hope I have redeemed myself from my abysmal start to this letter and you have been rewarded for reading it with a chuckle or two. We have truly been enjoying the blessings of a relatively normal year. Jacqui is doing fabulously well and started eating on her own without supplementation from her feeding tube this past June. Kyle has been a bundle of laughs as he plows through all those marvelous ‘firsts’. When we look back on the past six years, we realize how very richly we have been blessed, and how truly faithful God has been. We are wealthy in the things that matter: Faith, family, and steadfast friends. We pray that your homes will be filled with similar joys throughout the Christmas season and the coming year. Our hearts and prayers are with each of you!
Much Love,
Ken, Michelle, Jacqui and Kyle
parenting children motherhood kids humor christian funny Christmas Christmas letter SAHM
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